Predatory Love

As a follow-up to my last post, this is something that I wrote after I had my heart broken for the third time. I was only 19 and by that point I was already starting to get fed up with dating.

Wonderful and illustrious dreams of consuming him dance in my mind, then die at my feet. Quietly I lie awake listening, hearing only the steady rhythm of his heart thundering through my mind. His breath whispers away the dust that coveted my eyes. I open up, only to see him walk away.

His seemingly loving arms embrace one eagerly helpless creature. He grins listlessly as the heart chokes and fades. The love diminished from his eyes, softly he lets her fall; his body warms at the sight of his handiwork.

Nothing subtle in his motives,
nothing feeble in his mannerisms,
no menace in his actions.
It lies within him,
the pain is his.

Wisped away again, the nook in my heart was too big for such a small predator.

From the Mind of a Woman - Broken Hearts SUCK!

I am so heart sick of listening to my male friends go on and on about finding some random girl to sleep with and listening to my female friends talk about getting their hearts broken again and again. Something is very disjointed in our world.

I know that not all people are the same, but I believe that the vast majority are similar. It seems as though most of the time men want someone to play with for a while and women want to find out if he could be her future husband.

Man A sees woman B and thinks he likes her boobs and ass and would like to bed her; if it is good enough, maybe keep going back to her. Woman B sees man A and thinks he's handsome and would make cute babies, she may envision waking up with him in the morning, what it might be like to live with him, laughing with him, evaluate his hygiene, whether or not he is in the closet and even if she can take care of herself and prides herself on that fact, she will still try to figure out if he is capable of taking care of her.

Woman B decides go ahead and sleep with man A and decides he is a very good match indeed. Six days or six months down the road man A starts to get bored and begins looking for woman C while woman B is already in love. Women B, C, D, E, etc. all get their hearts broken and spend the next 5 years wondering what it was they did wrong and why nobody ever loves them.

Men! Even if a woman agrees that there are no strings attached and the two of you are just having fun, she is developing an emotional attachment to you and will be hurt if you leave or if she is not the only one you are having fun with; the movie Vanilla Sky is a perfect example. I have known many women who say to the world "if men can sleep around so can I" and then I listen to them as they cry, in private, about about not being loved.

Women! If it looks like a playboy and talks like a playboy... RUN!

The Secret - Does it really work?

I haven't watched the whole movie "The Secret", only the first 20 minutes; this is all I needed to hear to know it was true. I have tried to talk to friends about it and they think it is totally hokey. I think it's the most enlightening 20 minutes I have spent in a long time; suddenly many "coincidences" made a lot of sense and suddenly I felt more in charge of my life then I ever have.



I started thinking about my childhood, which was not very pleasant, and all of the things I would wish for. I would get up in the middle of the night and sit by my window and dream about what my life could be when I grow up. Once I started my adult life, I abandoned my dreams and tried to do what was expected instead of what was in my heart. This lead to fruitless struggle and bitter disappointment.

These days, I have everything I wanted and it all started with finding the right man. I had always envisioned a specific man and for most of my life I wished for him at every wishing opportunity and searched for him in every man I met; I figured I would recognize him when I saw him.

How right I was, not only is he the mate I longed for, but soon after all of my old dreams started falling into place. Today I was reading an old journal and found the entry for the day I met him, I described him as "more a point of light then a boy" and as soon as he smiled at me I knew it was him! I suppose subconsciously I figured it he could be real, all of my other dreams could be real too! Once I began to believe it, opportunities started to come out of no where. I think if I met my younger self, she would be proud.

Soul Knowledge... what's up with that?

This is a topic I have a hard time discussing, because most people think I am nutty if I do and I do not enjoy being poo-pooed. I hope that someday, someone who can relate will read this post and want to talk to me about it. I strongly believe in the soul and reincarnation. I believe, through my own experience, that the soul carries knowledge, desires and memories from one life to the next.

I wrote this poem at age 10. I entered it into a poetry contest in the 7th grade, but I had written it long before. The winner was never officially announced, so I went up to Mr. Weatherby after class and asked who had won. He said "You did". I never heard it read aloud and I never got a prize; all I ended up with was the strange puzzled look gave to me when he told me I had won.

Good night my love, for now I must rest
and fear not, that when I awake I will be sad and lonely
for I shall look down upon your heavenly face
betrayed by an earthly host
and pray that one day
when the stars sing the last note of their lost song
that we will be together again, singing our first.

I was afraid the look meant he thought I was plagiarizing but couldn't prove it; which hurt because he was my favorite teacher. I was aware even then that the things I wrote had to come from somewhere other then my own adolescent mind. I had no concept of what this poem meant, I just thought it sounded right; now as an adult I can see this poem is one soul telling its mate not to be afraid because love never dies.

I would get this build up of emotion, then let it all out through my pen. I would use words I was sure I had never read and even if by some chance I had, I was sure I wouldn't know how to use them properly. Most of the time I would write then look the words up to see if it made sense.

I always believed that I must have been a poet in a past life. I believed that these must be words my soul was remembering from that life in times of emotional need. I only write when I am sad, and when I am through I always feel much better.

Solutions to annoying computer issues

I would like to start posting solutions to computer related issues, since I seem to have a lot of them and spend hours searching for the answers. Please, if you have anything to add, let me know.

Radeon HD 6xxx series graphics card won't recognize dual monitors.

Only the top port seems to work for either monitor, neither works on the bottom port.
Solution, my brand new monitors only came with analog cables; you need digital cables, or at least one digital cable; I am going out to buy two since it looks better.

Skype for PSP?

Yes, unless you have a PSP Fat then no, it doesn't have enough memory.

Websites look funky in IE8

Turn off compatibility mode.

Simple CSS not working in IE9

Things like margin: auto; to center, it turns out using html5 doctype will fix it.

Netflix Movies are choppy

To the right of the progress bar, turn off allow HD.

Player controls don't show up once you have embedded your swf?

The swf for the player controls have to be in the same folder as your html.

Old Perfect Storm Header

Old Perfect Storm flash header.

Ways to reduce monthly spending and forgotten costs

The lifestyle I have chosen for myself has forced me into a serious evaluation of where my money is going. This is a good thing, I have found many useless drains on my bank account and alternatives to services I once believed to be standard.

Review your Automatic Payments

I looked through my bank statement and found I was paying monthly for services I had either forgotten about or rarely used; they totaled around $50 per month, I immediately canceled them.

Free or Low Cost Alternatives

There are many services we accept as standard, such as our phones and cable; these are things most of us, if we can avoid it, don't want to live without. My solutions were sort of a pain in the beginning, but I have found that I like my lifestyle more and now cannot imagine going back.

Cable

When I had cable, I always complained that they played the same stuff over and over and that there were way too many commercials; this one I will not miss! We were paying for cable, Xbox Live and Netflix. It turns out if you have Xbox Live you can watch Netflix movies on your TV, as you can imagine deleting cable was a no-brainer. With this choice we reduced our expense from $50 to $15 per month.

Books

I absolutely adore audio books, sadly we decided that we could find better uses for the money spent on our Audible account. I was so sad to see it go, that is until I figured out that I can download audio books for free from my local library website. They have an amazing selection and I can have up to ten books at any given time. Another good source, for classic audio books, is Project Gutenberg.

Phones

This was a huge expense for us; if you total up our land line and two cell phones it comes to around $150 per month. We got rid of the home phone and replaced it with skype. Our lives are pretty much centered around the computer, so this wasn't a huge bother. We did get a skype phone, but we find it more convenient to just answer the computer. To replace our cell phones we got a pay as you go card, if you can manage to limit your usage this is a much better option.